What defines grief in this judgmental world and takes us through is people who really see it and name it and acknowledge it for what it is, that experience it, without trying to modify it by any means. For me it means to validate it and sit with it for its heaviness, with the hint of reality stating it is ok to not be ok in this grief, like Megan Devine says in her book. The heavy burden of solemn thoughts that linger, the brooding that ensues in the whirlwind of sorrow that holds us in that moment. The need to be seen for the pain and not be judged is real. When the pain gets too heavy where do we go? Where do we turn to share and be seen for the raw gruesome feeling. The feeling of grief is pretty brutal in its entirety and is no way a learning lesson of any kind.  It is hard and that’s plain and simple. To carry it with us is the skill that we are all looking for. To hold space for this heaviness, to be in the moment of rawness, the hurt, the upset of feeling all the pain, the disappointment of ending  a journey half lived, or the loss of a child unborn. The comparisons of grief apart, the losses are still brutal in their own unique way for each of us. Breathing through it to tolerate the distress maybe one way to bear the pain of the day in the moment. To share and be seen in the pain is ultimately what I believe is needed from our support system who want to say supportive words in the moments of grief.

Believing that there’s more to sitting with grief than just moving through the stages of grief in a fashion that medical model suggests, feels like a breathe of fresh air. The breathe washes and the relief is palpable for sure. there is room to hold this feeling of heaviness. There is no need to be a certain way to hold this grief in a container. There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief as if it were a problem to be solved. Grief is to be integrated with life is a wonderful thought process to jive with. To withstand and integrate into our life is a skill to be learned and I’d be more than honored to hold that space with my clients for this experience. 

The invalidation through judgments, dismissals and heightened positivity is just a blanket over a burning fire of grief. The heart feels the pain and there’s no denying it. Sitting with the pain and facing it does not  unlock a medal of achievement by any means. There is need for holding and nurturing through this feeling that’s essential. For some people it is talk therapy, for some it is gentle yoga or movement filled activities in solitude. To each their own. The distress tolerance skills are abundant in this sphere and there is hope for integrating this feeling into our being and lives with truly supportive beings, be it therapists like me or pets in therapy support. If we can truly open ourselves and our I mean our hearts to feel and bear witness to each other’s pain, we may be able to share the true empathy that we intrinsically feel already as living beings. Then we will truly be employing the interception of being there for each other in this social world. The art of surrender feels good to recall right now. Surrendering to the moment and its inevitable nature of acclimatizing self to such depths of grief feels nurturing to breathe through. This container of writing through grief is the coping skill I employ for myself during losses. 

Reference:

It’s OK That you’re not ok – Megan Devine