Realizing that there is a need to disconnect from the constant need to check oneself in relationship to others is definitely a refreshing concept for a recovering people pleaser. People pleasing involves constantly checking oneself with relevance to other people any given setting, maybe work or life. To disconnect and refocus the attention to what can I do for other people is definitely a perspective shift that I resonate with. Moving from self to community seems like the intuitive liberating sense that comes from constantly flexing around other people’s wishes. Merely being judged based on other people’s expectations of oneself feels like being watched under the eyes of others always and feels burdensome. It is time to lay down the bricks of other people’s expectations and let them be just that, other people’s expectations not one’s own. This feels like a concept I can present to my clients with comfort based on the Adlerian Psychology of moving from attachment to self to the community feeling, per the book, The courage to be disliked – Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake koga.

The community goes beyond just the immediate micro system of a household or school. The more structures and systems we perceive as what we are connected to and interdependent on, the more we see ourselves as part of a larger whole than the microcosm of a shell. This liberates the judgments that lie in this one-to-one connection and bindings of conflict that we impose on ourselves on a day to day basis. This gives the much needed buffer that this singular interpersonal relationship in context is not the be all end all. If I stand up to this one person, I do not have to worry about affecting my entire life. This zooming out of the smaller entities in play, gives a much needed space of freedom required in the moment. There is hope created for ourselves. If it is so toxic that the conflict gets to abuse, it becomes even more prudent that we take this macro perspective. Broadening the perspective is a liberating feeling. 

“Paropakaraardhidham Shareeram” – This body is for the service of others in Sanskrit. The community feeling and self-worth and interconnectedness to others in the community, not just the individuals in a household, have a deeper relationship with each other, developing on this concept in layers. The essence of our life through the Adlerian Psychology lens, as a benefit to others, is the simpleton concept of horizontal relationships rather than hierarchical/vertical relationships. So words of encouragement such as ” I’m grateful”, “I’m happy to have your support”, “That was very helpful”,  instead of rebuke and praise in direct communication patterns is very healthy. Noting this concept in raising children as healthy individuals is very emotionally stabilizing for simplifying the encouragement concept rather than saying “Good Job!” and praising to impose an implicit hierarchy of superiority to inferiority. This removes the self-worth dependent on that praise or rebuke. Very intriguing concept to sit with simplifying self-validation and acknowledgment of other’s services to us and our services to others. 

Reference:

The courage to be disliked – Ichiro Kishimi, Fumitake koga