Embracing Anger
Bringing Awareness to Anger
It helped to notice the immediate urge to isolate and shut down until I processed the anger in my own way. By noticing the anger bubble up inside me in the time of interpersonal conflicts at work and life. This I understand is a healthy way ensuring the communication is done, per Thich Hat Hanh. To let the other person know who may have caused the anger in us to bubble up. That we are suffering due to the anger caused by the interpersonal conflict in context.
Experiencing Anger Fully
Per DBT, this is the graceful exit in interpersonal effectiveness that Marsha Linehan points out. Without letting the other person know that we are taking a time out to take care of our anger and soothe ourselves in the moment. From experiencing the anger fully. In addition to, understanding it and breathing through it mindfully in our safe spaces and nature walks. It is hard to address the suffering the other person is experiencing through the interpersonal conflict as well.
Clueing the Other Person in on Our Anger
With this awareness and mindfulness brought into the process of taking care of our anger. We take a moment with a gentle intimation to the person. Including them in the process of healing our anger. The other person then feels held in their suffering as well.
This time of turning inward is essential and important and at the same time. This is by keeping the channel of communication open with the other person in the interpersonal conflict. By saying neutral peace messages of “I am currently suffering. I am doing my best. I would like your help in getting out of this state of suffering with your help”, per Thich Nhat Hanh. This gentle message gives them the relief from their suffering. Along with an understanding of our suffering as well in the process. Thus the friendship commitment is not lost on either parties in the interpersonal conflict, essentially.
Anger as a Secondary Emotion
Mitigating anger with violence does not bode well in the long term. Tooth for a nail and such attitude does not help with releasing the anger in that person experiencing the anger in the first place. In essence the root cause of anger is not resolved at the end of the day. This to be alleviated, the underlying emotion hidden under the anger needs to slowly uncovered. The underlying emotion of hurt or sadness or guilt then surfaces to the conscious awareness allowing for deeper healing to happen from there.
Understanding anger as a secondary emotion helps very much with the healing process, especially with grief and trauma. The hurt that comes up to the surface through the layers and allows for more parts to allow room for that feeling to show up fully. When the other parts move away and give room for this deep emotion to be felt completely, the part feels seen and heard. The internal pressure subsides.
With the scheduled worry time, one can engage in this intentional time to feel and heal. Bringing awareness to the deeper emotions enables processing the thoughts and behaviors that go with the emotion. Experiencing this holistically helps embody the emotion. Along with being held in therapy can enable the person experiencing the anger to move through this anger one step at a time.
Reference:
“Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames” – by Thich Nhat Hanh